I wrote this post in December 2016
So guess what – were pregnant! We are seriously overjoyed and just over the moon! Sharing this news with my mom was everything I hoped it would be – her jaw dropped, she was speechless, and she is so excited and happy!! But something I didn’t anticipate is as we go down this road, not everyone shares our exact joy on the topic. I am starting to realize that there is a public life and a private life and in our private life we experience so much joy – like seeing the baby swallow on the ultrasound – but people in our public life don’t always feel that same joy when we share these experiences with them.
I guess I should have caught on to this when my married life started, when Jeremy and I got engaged. It was amazing and spiritual and a totally and complete miracle for both of us. Without a shadow of a doubt, we knew that God was okay with us getting married, and although we were still free to make our own choices, it sure felt like we were meant to be together. I remember sitting on my bed sharing this experience with some people who were close to me, and it resulted in mostly “oh” and maybe a “cool.” That wasn’t very satisfying. I remember telling those same sacred details to another loved one, and I got a similar result. I felt a little confused why no one else was as joyous as I was, just I knew Jeremy and I felt the same way about it and just kind of moved on with life.
Telling people we’re pregnant has been similar. I suspect it has something to do with if the person I tell has had a baby or not, and how close they are to me. But sometimes I get so excited about telling specific people, and that excitement just falls flat. There’s an “oh, awesome!” And not much else – most likely because if they haven’t had a baby they don’t know what else to ask. But the joy just doesn’t carry over to them sometimes. (It definitely translated over when we told my mom I was pregnant.)
Jeremy and I recently decided to have me take some blood tests and do an extra ultrasound to see what the chances of certain birth defects are for the baby. We weren’t really sure about it, but it seemed totally harmless so we decided to just do it. As a result, we got to do an extra ultrasound at 12 weeks. This has been one of the highlights of my whole life so far! We sat (well I laid) in a dimly lit room as the ultrasound technician squirted warm jelly on my still tiny tummy, and let us have a look at the baby. We saw the profile of the baby’s face, and its little arms and legs. It jumped around as we watched, like a little jumping bean, or like someone trying to move a blanket that they are laying on top of. This is the first time we ever saw the baby move! And it was all on its own! How amazing is that – this little person, who has only been in my tummy for 12 weeks at the time could jump around, for reasons only that baby knows. As we continued to watch on the monitor, we saw it’s little mouth open. The technician told us that the baby was swallowing some of the surrounding fluid, and we watched the little baby do it. How amazing is that!! Then came the moment when the technician let us hear the baby’s heartbeat. Jeremy grabbed my hand and I couldn’t stop smiling – it has a heartbeat!! Of course we could see it’s little heart beating on the screen, the little rythmic flutter in its chest, but how amazing to hear it!!
This was seriously amazing. Seeing our baby grow and become more and more autonomous (as autonomous as a fetus can be) is seriously amazing and filled me up to the top with joy and happiness and a glued-on smile and occasional happy squeals.
But this was also a very private moment for Jeremy and I – and we liked it that way. By sharing it with people got a mixed reaction. And no one was excited as Jeremy and I, even if they were at the top of the joy spectrum. There are certain things that just don’t seem to translate over to our public life. I was feeling sad about this, but I think that is just part of being an adult. And just because someone doesn’t feel what I’m feeling doesn’t make my joy any less valid. In addition, I believe that the Savior understands this joy I feel as well, seeing as he has experienced my life in the most private of ways. And that is comforting to me, to know that someone else besides Jeremy had that same kind of joy for the amazing things happening in our life.